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good morning everyone i'm amy friesen and this is artful aging with amy here on the show and with my company tea and
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toast the conversation of how to help aging parents often comes up it can be difficult as adult children
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don't want to parent their parents but oftentimes have either issues come
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up with their parents or things that they can foresee happening and a lot of tough conversations um are in the works
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that need to happen and so it's always kind of a tug of war between parents and
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and their adult children when the rules get a little bit reversed so that's always a sticking point that we often
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bring up when we're talking to caregivers or other professionals today on our show i'm speaking with author and
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physical therapist theresa murr in teresa's book the art of assisting aging parents teresa looks to how to build
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strategies and the frameworks around caring for aging parents as a caregiver herself teresa has seen
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firsthand the trials and tribulations of helping her parents age great artfully
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while remaining present in their own life welcome theresa thanks so much for joining me today
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thank you amy it's great to be here maybe we could start off by could you tell our viewers a little bit more about
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you and what inspired you to become an author sure sure um yes i uh well during my
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physical therapy career i was always very very um you know concerned with
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personal development and of course you know and i'm working with pain and function and things like
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that but i also wanted to see my patients develop personally so they could go on to like a higher quality and
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higher level of function so you know during these years and i've been doing this for 37 years but i i
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gained you know i kind of pulled out some tools and techniques and strategies that i thought were really working with
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people and that really resonated with them and one of them was actually um group therapy and where we worked in
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groups together and now even with you know having this pandemic and and losing
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our face-to-face interactions i can see even how it works you know even stronger
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to promote health and wellness so that's what i did and this was about 15 years
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ago when i found found that this worked um i started putting a framework around it and that eventually you know took me
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into writing a book about it because i just saw the need out there and i thought you know i've got something to
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share um i have this method i believe in it so much and you know when
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i was kind of developing it um it wasn't it wasn't really mainstream but i think the great thing about it is
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it's kind of becoming mainstream now you know some of these things i'm talking about it's not um you know it's not a
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foreign it's not like a foreign language to people it's like they they get it and they know that that it works and so i'm
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excited i think the timing is really good to bring this up to people so they can um start using it
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that's excellent i always find that you know when i wrote my book a couple of years ago
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i was looking around and around you're in the states and i'm in canada and so there was a bit a bit more information
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in the states and than there was in canada but still not very much at all and so i was looking at you know for
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caregiver specific there's a lot of self-help stuff there's a lot of you know stuff that's in the realm but not a
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lot in this realm and so i was excited to add something to it and i'm always
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excited that's why i reach out to you because when i find other authors that are writing on this topic
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i want to scream it from the rooftops firstly because i think that this stuff is so valuable
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and and it's readily available in book form right so you know the more resources we can get to people i think
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the better and then they can pick and choose but we've had a number of um authors on the show because i just think
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that there's so little physical information in the industry that you know the more we can
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get it out the better um i find did you find when you wrote your book did you like you were
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um adding obviously um to the conversation but were you also having a little bit of uh trouble finding other
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things kind of similar of yours um yes i i think so and actually just
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you know being in the industry and working with families and patients you know i really i knew a lot about it
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but yeah i i when i was helping my sisters take care of my mom
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um people were coming up to us because she was kind of in a facility that was um in the neighborhood you know so we had a lot of friends there you know but
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they were coming up to us and saying what what do i do with my aging parents you know and so i was just like you know
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there's got to be more information out there for this and i think unfortunately people wait
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until something happens you know i and i would say it's not that we don't want to take care of our
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parents but we're very very busy you know we're raising children um we we have have might have a job
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we're trying to you know take care of our family and our home and um you know
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we really don't want to in a way i'm not saying we don't want to take care of our parents but we just don't want to put
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that on our list of things to do so you know what happens to be when dad falls down the stairs and breaks his hip
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that's when we have to respond you know so um i'm thinking i know we're gonna go kind
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of get into this but really i i what i have is a proactive aging process you
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know and now i'm finding out really and i'm learning like like you said i am learning so much more about my health
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and how to you know preserve my body and my brain and um i i just want to say
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that you know this proactive aging process that i i'm you know putting in my book and i'm teaching
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um is is really that is really we want to be proactive with our aging because
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um you know you don't want to wait till the last minute to be that caregiver that's true and we you know i i and my team at
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tea and toast we speak to caregivers all the time about not waiting until crisis plan be proactive i mean this is what i
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say on almost every one of my shows as well and you know it's true that like a lot
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of people that come to us are in crisis mode and the other ones
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that come to us are waiting for the crisis they're you know they come to us you know to plan but then they wait it
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out and then they waited out too long and they're in crisis and so you know it's this fine mix of stuff but you're
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right it's hard to add another tick list to our our own personal list but also
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you know taking care of your parents means different things for everybody and somebody's list could have one or two
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things and another person's list could have 40 things and it's hard to know what to do and it's hard to know where
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to look and where to start and all that stuff and so all of that stuff makes people overwhelmed and it and it's a
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it's a diff it can be it can be very difficult for many people uh although you know i've been told multiple times
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caregiving is you know very rewarding like a lot of caregivers have said that but that doesn't mean it's not difficult
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it can be both right and so how do we as professionals and caregivers you know share our experience so that people can
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be better prepared for their journeys um you know as i mentioned at the top of
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the show we discuss caregiving quite a bit so i thought it would be really good for you to come on as an expert as well
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as a family caregiver there are a lot of people who listen who have aging parents that are feeling overwhelmed and what's
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like happening or what's about to happen everybody's kind of on the edge and they don't know when things are going to happen
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and there's also a lot of seniors in our audience that haven't really made very many plans for their own life and their
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possible future obstacles so it's important i think for them to hear this too and if anything you know the seniors
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in our audience it's important for them to hear that there's a lot of things that the caregivers their adult children
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have to take care of on their behalf and so kind of whatever they can help with lessens the burden on their kids as well
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which is a message that we talk about all the time but maybe we could talk about how
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can caregivers get through the overwhelm and begin the process of helping their
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parents age artfully what do you think okay yeah um you know and and the
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overwhelm and i'll i will address that first and then i'll address on how to maybe avoid the overwhelm you know but
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if you do if you are in that stage of overwhelm um there's a few things you need to do you need to reach out to your family you
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talk you know to your siblings and have that team meeting and just say you know and and have an
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agenda and just i tell people you know tell them tell your siblings to leave the drama at home you know and so and
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have specific things you want to talk about and specific goals and um you need to get everybody on
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board because this state of overwhelm you need help so really you know put your pride aside
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and ask for help so you know start with your siblings if you have them
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um then and even like neighbors um friends and just say this is a situation
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i'm in i might need a little bit of help i'm you know and they they might start offering well i can i bring over a meal
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can i take your parents to the doctor can i you know in some way help you because this is truly a state where
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you're not able to do it all you know reach out to the medical professionals
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and say you know how can you help me with my parent um can we function you know can they function at a higher level
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um you know why are they falling why are they doing this why are they doing and that you know ask the questions so
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that's you know when you get into overwhelm you just need to start reaching out and
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um you know get to get all the professionals friends family on board and make a plan you know to get to get
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through this and then i'll kind of talk about when you get there you know how to get through this
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absolutely um it's also to you know i just recently posted something on my social media
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about asking for help because it's really difficult for many people to ask for
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help me as a business owner my i'm you know i'm always kind of doing things on my own and so i've had to recently ask
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for help and it it was uncomfortable to say the least and so i think there's a
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lot of people that are just super not comfortable with that and so really you know making a list to figure
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out what they need and i love that you had mentioned too how you know if the siblings are involved everybody leave
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their stuff at home and come with a goal of assisting your parents because a lot of you know old drama old
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fights things like that come up but at the end of the day you know you need to take care of that you're this the goal
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of this meeting is to take care of your parents and so it doesn't really matter what happened in the past it really
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matters how do we progress from here so i love that you talk about it as well because we also do as well
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um and as we both know as professionals and caregivers many caregivers are not taking care of themselves
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properly um and like you said you're learning things i'm learning things all the time often you know caregivers fill
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their time with everyone else how would you suggest caregivers take care of themselves in order to not only
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be practicing self-care and refilling their own cup but also to be a better caregiver for their aging loved
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ones yes um well in my book um people ask me
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you know well is it for the aging parent or is it for the caregiver and really i say you know you can't separate it you
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know it is it is something you do together you have to take care of yourself first
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as a caregiver or you will have nothing to give to others um and my proactive aging process which
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i i call it experience because i'm a big believer in experiences that you know
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from from birth on experiences teach us you know how to live and and what to do
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so um i i that's what i do as a therapist i build these exceptional
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experiences for my patients and um you know then i kind of back off
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and i monitor and i and i assist but i let them have the experience so they
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learn you know what to do so my book goes over seven um health
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strategies that are really non-negotiable so for you as a caregiver
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you know you need to you need to have the nutrition the hydration the sleep
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the meditation and mindfulness the exercise for your body and your brain
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and the breathing now these are essential for your health and what i say
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is you know you need it doesn't need to be almost like it doesn't need to be self-care it needs to be a part of your
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lifestyle when it becomes a part of your lifestyle you know you're doing everything you can
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for yourself as a caregiver and you don't go into the future with you know all this caregiver guilt it's like oh
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i'm not doing enough i'm not i'm i'm not enough i'm not i'm not helping them enough no you are you're you're taking
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care of yourself and you're you know trying to actually take these um you know health strategies
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and help your parents with them so that is one thing i teach in my book um
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and i really recommend that you start with the middle age like if you're in your 40s and your parents are in your 60s it's a great time to start
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you know i'm kind of almost looking at the baseline of you know how how am i functioning and how how's my parent
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functioning you know say you're both functioning great you're both active healthy um you know just continue what you're
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doing but if you're seeing some red flags and saying okay my parent is in
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the recliner all day long you know or my parent all they do is eat junk food you
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know this will this will come back to them as possibly a chronic illness in
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the future so you want to look at these things and um start making changes
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and you know that's what we just need to do to live healthy is make these changes in our lifestyle
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and we like i said we just not only do that for us but we also do it for our parents you know help them
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well i feel that you know if we said our like as caregivers now
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most of our care the caregivers that i work with are you know 40 to 60 let's call it um the adult children caregivers
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um and you know by setting ourselves up now making sure our mental health is you
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know as well as we can get our physical and all that stuff i feel like that sets us up to be better
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at being seniors as well whereas um a lot of the seniors that i'm talking to now
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didn't have you know we've progressed as a society so quickly right and we've had
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all these extra mental health things happening and all this stuff and they didn't have that at an age that we are
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so that they could integrate into their life and so some people that are seniors now are learning all that stuff
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but i feel like as caregivers this also sets us up for our senior years as well
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which i think is obviously super beneficial because you're not going backwards either
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i'm going to ask you a little bit more about your four-step method in your book but do you have any thoughts about
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there's a lot of people that come to us that have parents that are super stubborn i
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know that you've probably heard and maybe been in that position as well perhaps but super stubborn not eating
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well not taking care of themselves do we have any advice that we can offer them um
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you know caregivers or professionally have you come across this um yes um
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and actually it's kind of in my four-step method um yeah it kind of um encompasses some
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of this and what i help people do and i'll talk about that in a minute but
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basically if you can help your parents find their strengths and and their life vision
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you know we we all have to have something to get out of bed in the morning for you know we have to have a
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purpose if you have no purpose you you kind of stop living
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so i think it's just an intrinsic motivator to find that purpose now and i
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i say to you like if your parent has never meditated before and they they're just saying i'm not going to have any part of meditation i don't want to do it
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you know you can just set up a room for them they might be able to recline and you're laid down and um turn on some you
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know classical music or something that relaxes them and they'll probably naturally start the deep breathing you
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know you know it can be just a natural thing or take them out into nature nature is a
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tonic for health you know things like that you might have to find or you know
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another thing like mindfulness is a form of meditation and even maybe cooking a meal together
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and you know just really slowing it down paying attention to what you're doing
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and that mindfulness it actually builds your brain which is your your hippocampus and that's responsible for
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learning and memory so all of the like i said all of these things play into your health but um i
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find creative ways to add these to people's daily routines instead of just saying okay you need to
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sit in this chair and do your deep breathing for 15 minutes you know um you know there's there's other ways
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to do it so i think that's what i would i would do is you know if if you're getting the stubbornness
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um from you know for one thing find the life vision and we'll talk about that in just a minute and set some goals
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set some goals that are meaningful for your parents that they want to work on and that's kind of how i get around the
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stubbornness of people perfect and i also find too as an added part of that there's
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some of us that have other like stubbornness is one thing so it's you know sometimes it's just that
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the kid and the um parent can't have that conversation and that's why professionals operate in this world
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right so that's you know even in in past you know things in my life or whatever sometimes it's like okay somebody else
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is gonna have to take this conversation on because i could say the same things but it's not going to come across the same way and so to the extreme sometimes
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it's a matter of just bringing someone somebody else in to have that conversation on your behalf or with you
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or whatnot i find that happens to a lot of our caregivers because we help people find
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you know retirement living senior living and sometimes that conversation is not easy and it's way easier if we have it
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with the parents than the kids do for instance right so you get a lot further but that's
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true yeah sure yeah and yeah we've touched on your book a number of times so let's talk about the four step method
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to better help your parents could you give us um kind of like a high level overview of these concepts and i believe
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that you also offer training called expiry age can you tell us about that as well
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sure sure yeah and i'll just throw in one thing too with what we just talked about amy and it was it's you know maybe
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even late you know have print off an article or something that might have to do with nutrition or exercise and just
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lay it on the table you know and hopefully they'll pick it up and maybe start reading it or yeah like you know
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that that would just be an additional you know out or a source for them
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but yeah for for my training um the first step is um fine it's like it's
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like who who i who am i or who i am and um so you're going to help your
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parents find their strengths and i have a certain way i teach this um
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i teach um intelligences and how to find the strong intelligences
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and the weak intelligences but to kind of maybe even simplify that a little bit i
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have people you know sit down with them and talk about um you know maybe maybe even have your parents tell you some
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stories of their past and you can help them pick out their strengths
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um you know when we get busy in life they they've been probably raising a family they've had jobs you know they're
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in retirement they're slowing down they may not feel well and they forget about
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their you know what you know who they are and what their strengths are so we kind of you know um work on that and
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um you know from actually from the strengths you're going to find the weaknesses and just as an example
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sometimes i'll be working with somebody in in the clinic and i give them some directions for an
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exercise and i realize they have no idea where their body is in space
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and that's called the kinesthetic intelligence so when i pick up on that then i start adding exercises to help
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them you know and increase that awareness and and really within a few weeks
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they they have much better body awareness which is going to help with decreased falls and um you know maybe in
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a little bit of increased energy and things like that so um it's really important to help your
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parents find their strengths now if you only have five minutes a week i give you you know suggestions on how to take that
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five minutes and make them make the most out of them if you have a half an hour to sit down with them and chat that's
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great you know um and i think they will appreciate that and the attention so
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anyway yeah find the strengths uh step number two is helping them find that life vision
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and you could even you know help them bring up well you know dad you used to love you know the sports team or
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mom you know you you're a baker and you you love to cook for people and
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um you were involved in this um non-profit um how can we bring that back into your
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life how can we uh spark that you know spark that life vision again and that that purpose in
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life so we we find that life vision and then we start setting goals
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and um i give the example of maybe your parent wants to go to a family reunion and it's
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out of town you know so you know set that goal and say hey let's plan on
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you going to this reunion in september now what do we need to do to get there
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you know and so you know um just figuring out where you know you
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might have to go up some steps you're going to have to have um activity tolerance for a half of a day
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or you know you're going to have to tolerate a three-hour car ride you know and you know just starting to talk about
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these things and and and setting some goals you know what do we need to do to get there
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and that's where sometimes your professionals can come in and as a physical therapist you know i would be
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giving you a program that would help you you know help your parent to do the right exercises to to
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get there and it may be to something totally different um maybe you know you can get your parents
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involved with their friends again or groups of people um that you know
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that they can connect to and and actually kind of find and live that purpose again
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so that would be the second step um the third step is actually setting up those concrete activities like i talked about
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um you know you know a lot of times we keep so many things in our head you know this is what
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i need to do this is how i need to do it this this is um this is the right thing to do
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but until we act on that we really don't make any progress you know physically or mentally so
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that third step is actually putting everything into action and so you can kind of help your your
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parents set up this program and or maybe even go through their cupboards and take out all the junk food
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and give them some you know maybe some healthy recipes um you know teach your parents how to
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breathe well and and you know there's all kinds of youtube videos on deep breathing but it really really changes
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your life when you breathe well you know it really it really does it helps you sleep better
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there's just so many things that um these very simple and inexpensive health
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strategies you know work on and finally that fourth step is is assessing and
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reassessing because you know maybe by this time your parent you know the weakness i had is
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not there anymore and they're able to set different goals you know um or or the weakness is
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getting worse and you know you need to you need to address that through professionals or maybe
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there's nothing you can do you know and maybe it's just a time for acceptance of some of that
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so um you know it's constantly and that's what i love about my job as a therapist i get to i get to evaluate
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people all the time i'm always assessing i'm always reassessing i'm always setting new goals you know
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and that that's fun for me i i really like that so so that is that that's the program and
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it just keeps revolving and revolving as you know you gain things you lose things
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you you know change it up so yeah super valuable thank you for sharing i
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specifically really do like step four the reassessment because a lot of people put plans and processes in and then they
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just assume that everything is going to stay the same right and it's they don't re-evaluate to see what's
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happening and then it's like okay well did you check this oh well that wasn't a problem
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before and so the reassessment is so important right and just to stay on top because we're
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you know going towards you know we're planning we're being proactive we're going towards goals
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but you're right gold goal posts change you know you might be going towards one goal you might get there you might be
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going towards another one and then deem that you've changed your mind it's not you know appropriate or whatever and
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sometimes you don't know that stuff until you start doing things towards that direction so i think it's super important that you point that out point
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that out as well um i always like to theresa i always like to talk about misconceptions
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because i come across them so much my team comes across them with all of our clients there's you know misconceptions
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kind of about everything and artful aging is all about showing people their support giving people some direction and
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answers so what have you found to be some of the main misconceptions either
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from caregivers or their aging parents around planning and aging artfully
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um i think there are some steps that you know they just forget about
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and i know like i have you know friends in the industry that do things i'm
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totally different from me you know they take care of you know the finances the legal
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things you know and that um so you know just know that this is all
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important so maybe a misconception is well we can just wait on on this issue you know but really it is important that
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um if your parents don't have control of you know their future to kind of step
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in and help them a little bit with that um i i think the misconception is too like
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i don't need to help my parents and then um when someone when that
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crisis happens you know um it just really throws everybody off you
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know so maybe even having that family meeting um you know be before mom and dad get sick
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you know um and saying you know who you know who's got what resources do you have do you have financial resources do you have
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time do you have a talent are you are you a professional that can do you know what
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what can you do to help you know and maybe just even getting that you know set up a little bit earlier
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um but i think it's something we just don't really think about until we have to
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think about it and i i think that's another misconception it's it's no it's proactive aging
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really adds to the quality of life and really i know at the end and i was able to spend a couple years with my mom at the
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end of her life i'm helping my sisters take care of her and
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you know you just find out that you know when your parents pass away you just live on the memories
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you know and if you have those aging years to continue to make memories with your parents
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um it's a it's a real spiritual kind of thing like it gives you it feeds you as
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a person to know that you have that time with your parents and um
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you know although i know you know they're not every time it's going to be a wonderful time but you know you can
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try to make them as um you know the best treasured memories you can well that's it's super valuable to you
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know have those years sure yeah not everything is peachy keen but at the same time if you
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can prevent or be planning for stuff and you don't have the major dips like you
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know a giant roller coaster it makes everybody's life so much more peaceful i think and so that's always beneficial
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um i thought we could end today do we have any ways that people can be proactive i like i like to talk about
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one or two ways that things people can do i know we talked about a couple of them but can we sum up maybe a couple of ways
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or small small things that people can do to keep their journey going with their aging loved ones to be proactive what do
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you have for us teresa well yeah i would say um you know try to take
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some baselines of where like where you're at and where your parents are
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and um you know start adding these um you know simple steps every day changing up your
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lifestyle and and hopefully changing up your parents lifestyle and then you know just
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maybe maybe like every six months look at that and see how far you've come and you know give your give yourself a
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pat on the back you know for every win you have even if it's a small win you
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know celebrate it celebrate your wins and that'll keep you going
31:13
um you know yeah try not to be you know too negative or hard on yourself during this period it can be rough and i do
31:21
think even a misconception is oh my family and siblings we're so close and this is going to be so easy you know and
31:28
that can be a big misconception because it's not and um have so have some time with your
31:34
family that's fun you know get have a get together where you don't talk about mom and dad you
31:40
know keep your relationships close and i think um then you know when all is
31:45
said and done that you'll end up with a strong family unit and that's really what you do want
31:51
in the end you don't want to be um bitter and you don't want to be resentful you know against them so
31:58
um i would just and then that way be proactive too to try to keep your family
32:04
uh you know strong and um and just be you know with that devotion
32:09
towards your parents yeah sure and like you said i add some fun have some fun as a family it's not all about planning all
32:16
the time it's not all about crisis and how to stay out of it and health care and all that stuff i think it's
32:22
important said to another um another person who was on my show the other day to take the pictures right
32:29
take the pictures enjoy yourself and then you also have these memories which is lovely so it's it's not all planning
32:37
and crisis all the time so make sure that people enjoy their lives theresa thanks so much for coming on today i
32:42
really appreciate it could you tell our viewers how they could get a hold of you yes um you can find my website at
32:50
theresamer.com and you can get a hold of me there
32:55
i do teach class courses um i have a course called
33:01
boss now it's like escaping me boss caregiver um yeah it's escaping me
33:09
right now i just out of my mind but i i teach my book and so in six weeks you'll
33:14
learn my book if you if you want that um you know one-on-one feedback and and kind of have more hands-on
33:21
and um so yeah i do that and it's really um is it kind of you know and i also
33:26
want to say like my program is for peak performance so when if you if you want to think
33:32
about it that way and you know everybody wants to be at their highest level you know it's something that you can do that
33:39
it's it is really beneficial perfect well as we said teresa's book
33:44
the art of assisting aging parents i grabbed mine on amazon i saw it on a couple different spots so definitely
33:51
available get your copy if you're interested i think it's super valuable there's a lot of readers right and even
33:58
i'm not much of a reader but this is the stuff i'm drawn to professionally as well right and so
34:04
i really appreciate you coming on the show today and sharing all of your knowledge thanks so much
34:10
thank you amy it's been a pleasure that's all for today folks if you found
34:16
today valuable and helpful please share with your networks remember supports only one conversation away and by
34:22
sharing with your networks it allows other caregivers and families to get the support they need thanks again for
34:28
joining artful aging with amy from me to all of you i hope that you have a wonderful wednesday
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